The Harry Situation

With this post, I hereby fulfill my obligation to create content for distribution as described in my contract.

I’ve also fulfilled my desire to speak truth to power, and to get revenge on all of you who have turned me from this:

Before The Harry Situation…

to this:

After The Harry Situation…

I’ve told you about how I was going to make art on television, and how Garnier Fructis stepped in to ’save us’ by making my show into a commercial for Bold It!.

I’ve shared the secrets my success at being in a dying marriage:

…And the affair that broke its back:

I told you about poor Harry Johnson, and how he expected to be naked with Dawn Spangler, but was instead naked with Officer Friendly.

I told you about the one of a kind Dawn Spangler and her need for attention.

I told you of Carrie Harrison, the simple local girl who went from PA to lead actress when a light fixture mysteriously fell on the actress I was having an affair with.

Now that some time has passed, I’m starting to gain some perspective on the whole thing. And a lot of you have emailed questions. I’m going to ignore them all. Except the most pressing question:

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Carrie can’t get cast in anything because she’s awaiting a Grand Jury investigation into her role in Teri’s attempted murder.

Dawn has been cast as the lead in another pilot called, “Barbra Q.” (I hear they’re having problems).

Floyd Bellman is alive and well, and living in Paris.

He has been working with the French Government on a very sexy calendar highlighting the problems of alcohol abuse.

Nancy is dating the props guy from the show. Way to rebound, gorgeous.

And Garnier Fructis Style Bold It! Endurance Gel and Power Putty are now flying off the shelves at your local whatever.

If anyone knows the whereabouts of Harry Johnson. Please let me know (mybestfriendTodd@gmail.com). Or don’t. I don’t really care anymore. It’s just that my readers deserve closure.

I tried. I really did. I wanted the show to be great even though it was being ripped to shreds.

I never ever gave up. Until I received this email from Garnier Fructis:

See, there are two products. One is a gel and the other is a putty. One is for endurance, the other is for power. Simple. Got it? Good. It’s important.

This led to a brutal fight. I thought that writing stories based on the product benefits of Bold It! Power Putty and Endurance gel was not the strongest way to go.

Apparently I am an idiot.

Because we shot this scene:

…And it was another home run.

Test audiences loved it. A scale of one to ten? A ten. Across the board they gave it tens. To them, this was comedy gold.

BUT GET THIS:

Yes, my show had just become a commercial for BOLD IT! loved by many. But, test audiences didn’t love it because they thought Bold It! was a hair gel. They loved it, laughed at it, and told their friends about it, because…

THEY THOUGHT BOLD IT WAS A SEXUAL PERFORMANCE ENHANCER.

Every single audience member loved the show, and every single one of them misinterpreted every reference to Bold It! Endurance Gel, assuming it was some sort of sex aid.

“Rub it on your head. It’ll keep you stiff all night.”

See, it’s a hair product, but when you say it that way, it sort of makes sense that a sex-starved population of men in their early 20s would think you’re talking about…well something else.

And the sponsor was terrified. It’s their worst nightmare. How can I explain this? What is a good analogy? Oh, I know: It’s like you’re trying to sell hair gel but everyone thinks it’s a sex lube.

See, test audiences mean everything.

Let’s say you have a television show, and you don’t have the balls to form your own opinion, or the intelligence or competence to adjudge the quality of a creative work.

So whatchya gonna do?

Well, why not do what GFSBIEG&PP did: they gave a bunch of strangers a plate of s’mores, a juice box, and $70 to watch the show and then spew their brilliance into a tape recorder. Then they blindly followed those opinions.

So the audience was telling them two things:
1 - They loved the show. I mean really loved it.
2 - They loved the “sex glue” too and wanted to know where to buy some. Now!

It was that bad. Or was it good? I mean the show wasn’t even out yet, and these young guys were all over the internet talking about the product. A day after that test group, there were 50,000 posts about this wild new sex product. This was great for them. Right? But the “test supervisors” (the women who give out the cookies and juice) didn’t see it that way. To them, this was a problem.

I admit that I really enjoyed reading the report. I’m fascinated when a group of people compete to out-dumb each other. I would love to do a show about a guy who runs focus groups. But I wonder how test audiences would respond?

I was expecting the worst. But it was worse than that. It shouldn’t have been my problem, but now it was.

They are actually doing it!

Garnier Fructis is running banner ads for the show!

Of course, they’ve just replaced their inane promo ads with some newer ones, and they don’t exactly say what I expected. These are actually better:

So welcome to you all who are joining me, after being advised not to join me. You clicked on a banner that told you not to come here.

If you came here to see promos for ‘The Harry Situation’, I ask you, “Why?” I think this blog will be much more entertaining. Even though this blog has no laugh track, I respect your intelligence enough to know when to laugh.

I don’t care about your Gag Order. I don’t care if I come off bitter - I am bitter. I’m really, really bitter.

I just want to remind you, Garnier Fructis, that I have nothing to lose.

And now you’re sending tens of thousands of people a day to this site so they can witness the story of how you destroyed my life.

So I thank you for that. You’re the best!

Now…on with the show, sponsored exclusively by Garnier Fructis Style Bold It! Endurance Gel and Power Putty (I didn’t make up those names, they did).

More on Wednesday!