The Harry Situation

With this post, I hereby fulfill my obligation to create content for distribution as described in my contract.

I’ve also fulfilled my desire to speak truth to power, and to get revenge on all of you who have turned me from this:

Before The Harry Situation…

to this:

After The Harry Situation…

I’ve told you about how I was going to make art on television, and how Garnier Fructis stepped in to ’save us’ by making my show into a commercial for Bold It!.

I’ve shared the secrets my success at being in a dying marriage:

…And the affair that broke its back:

I told you about poor Harry Johnson, and how he expected to be naked with Dawn Spangler, but was instead naked with Officer Friendly.

I told you about the one of a kind Dawn Spangler and her need for attention.

I told you of Carrie Harrison, the simple local girl who went from PA to lead actress when a light fixture mysteriously fell on the actress I was having an affair with.

Now that some time has passed, I’m starting to gain some perspective on the whole thing. And a lot of you have emailed questions. I’m going to ignore them all. Except the most pressing question:

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Carrie can’t get cast in anything because she’s awaiting a Grand Jury investigation into her role in Teri’s attempted murder.

Dawn has been cast as the lead in another pilot called, “Barbra Q.” (I hear they’re having problems).

Floyd Bellman is alive and well, and living in Paris.

He has been working with the French Government on a very sexy calendar highlighting the problems of alcohol abuse.

Nancy is dating the props guy from the show. Way to rebound, gorgeous.

And Garnier Fructis Style Bold It! Endurance Gel and Power Putty are now flying off the shelves at your local whatever.

If anyone knows the whereabouts of Harry Johnson. Please let me know (mybestfriendTodd@gmail.com). Or don’t. I don’t really care anymore. It’s just that my readers deserve closure.

So I slept with her.

There. I slept with Teri Morgan. I had a moment of weakness. For five and a half weeks. But I don’t regret it. I found a door that would open and a room I wanted to enter. And I entered it over and over. Sometimes more than once a day.

So thank you, Teri Morgan. Thank you for what you and your body did to my body. Even though you are currently destroying my life with your egregious lawsuits, and I may do time for a crime I didn’t commit, I thank you for the time we had, and I promise that if I am ever in the same position I was in, I hope you will be in the same position you were in.

Go ahead Nancy. Sick the dogs on me. My one regret was that I turned off the camera, because then at least I’d have an awesome sex tape.

The truth is finally out. That feels better. Aaaaahhhh.

Here me loud and proud, world: I’m a cheater.

I did indeed have an affair with Teri Morgan.

I did not, however, try to kill her.

You don’t have to believe me, but really, if anything my confession should be a credibility booster. I’ve put everything on the table.

And Carrie, I’m sorry you got tangled up in this.

I hope they drop the criminal probe and let you go. And I’m sorry that I missed a chance to testify at the Grand Jury on your behalf. I overslept.

I believe in you and your talent, and I think you should be a working actress, not squirreled away doing 25 years-to-life in a woman’s prison for attempted murder. You deserve more.

By the way, for those of you attorneys who still think that Teri Morgan’s audition tape is evidence of adultery, I have a twist in the case for you to enjoy.

Here are the sides we were reading in the audition.

I dug them up from a box that I just found. It was labeled ‘Misc. Audition Pages’. And it was completely hidden under other boxes labeled other things so I didn’t even know it was there until last night when I uncovered the box. It’s true!