The Harry Situation

Carrie Harrison was a production assistant with no experience when we hired her to replace Teri Morgan as Cindy Christington.

It was the best decision Nancy and I made. Far better than our decision to marry.

We were on the chopping block, and the injury of our lead threatened to close down the show permanently.

Basically, the show would have died without Carrie. Look at this:

Focus groups loved her, so the sponsor had something to believe in.

So get this: Garnier Fructis had serious reservations about a script I wrote called “Glued To You” where Cindy and Harry start to have more than just a sexual relationship. They thought the language I used when talking about Bold It, would cause audiences to think the product was some sort of sexual glue, again.

So instead of shooting the episode and then testing it with a focus group, they shot a PSA apologizing for the yet-to-be-shot episode, and then put the PSA in front of the focus group.

Enjoy:

And it tested through the roof. Box office gold!!!

Test groups loved Carrie Harrison’s Public Service Announcement so much that Garnier Fructis approved the episode that they hated, only because they were sure that their audience would love the PSA that apologizes for said episode.

The sponsor started to fall in love with Carrie Harrison. They made a snap decision. They told me to refocus the whole show on Carrie Harrison, pushing her character into the foreground.

Hah. Got you again. You’re easy.

In my previous brilliant post, I told you about how I didn’t care about the actors’ personal BS. Mostly because I didn’t care about them as people, but also because I thought it had no bearing on the show.

Here’s how my apathy and willful ignorance came back to bite me on the tush:

Ultimately “The Harry Situation”, good or bad, rested upon one core idea: Harry’s apartment becomes a sex factory after he uses “Bold It!”. Like it or not, that was what the show was now about.

I was writing and re-writing episode four, trying to satisfy everyone and still come up with something I could live with.

Here’s what I had to juggle:

-Garnier Fructis needed Bold It! Power Putty mentioned again.
-The show needed to establish that Harry’s new hairdo is sexually irresistible in a very profound way.

Here’s the winner we shot (see you at the awards show - I’ll be the one parking your car):

All hell broke loose after we shot that scene.

Floyd was angry because he was playing a bunch of lame gay stereotypes. He wanted to play a highly nuanced, thinking, feeling, three-dimensional gay man – not some hackneyed cliché. He was unhappy. Or as they used to say in the 1940’s, “not so gay.”

Then, we got this from the focus group:

We learned:

1) The audience thought Ben and Harry were a couple.
2) They were confused as to why Harry kept talking about sex with his roommates when he was already in a serious committed gay relationship.

And of course…

3) They thought that Power Putty was a male performance enhancer that you’re supposed to put on your privadas.

The world is truly a beautiful place.

It was an incredible moment of serendipity: This scene played into Harry’s nagging fear that women would think he’s into dudes, and the sponsor’s nagging fear that consumers would think Power Putty was Sex Putty.

So once again, what better way to solve the problem than with a misguided and desperate Public Service Announcement “brought to you by Garnier Fructis Bold It!”.

Terrible. Terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible. The sponsor “asked” me to include information about their hair putty. Didn’t I do a great job? I’m pretty wonderful. And somehow this PSA solved everyone’s problems. I was grinding my teeth into tiny yellow nubs while I slept, but everyone else was eerily happy.

Almost… too happy.

(My awesome cliffhangers are getting better and better.)

Must go. I have a hot date with someone I met at a party.

When Garnier discovered that test audiences are confused about their product (that they forced me to shoehorn into my show), they got worried.

But then they heard reports of young men and women actually experimenting with the hair glue in a sexual way, and sticking themselves together. It was a growing phenomenon now known as Glueballing. It was crazy - the show STILL hadn’t aired, but the product was flying off the shelves. There were glueballing parties at colleges. People were selling “Get Stuck with Garnier” T-shirts.

And what did our sponsor think of this growing epidemic?

They loved it. It was moving product.

They credited themselves with creating a pop-culture phenomenon. They wouldn’t shut up about the big awards and bigger promotions they were all going to earn. One of them even tried Glueballing and called us from the ambulance all giddy.

But then their lawyers heard about it. And the wind abruptly changed, and took on that foul odor that only lawyers seem to create. And even though we were getting unconfirmed reports that guys were also using this stuff the ‘right’ way, meaning on their hair, and were loving it (read: getting laid), the lawyers showed up like cops at an awesome party.

And the ‘Glueballing Crisis’ began to really bother our sponsor.

Honestly, it bothered me, too. I was upset that I had never been that adventurous in my twenties.

So they called us in for another visit with the Conferbot 2000. I imagined cracking open his little black helmet, and lopping off his tiny red brain-head, but I knew he would eventually defeat me again.

Of course evil comes as the voice of reason. In the video conference, they offered this well-thought-out solution:

SCRAP THE SHOW AND START FROM SCRATCH.

Since I trusted Mr. Weasel Network Idiot about as far as I could vomit, and was sure he was going to continue to cave to every suggestion that the sponsor made, I was quick to offer this very patient and restrained response. It’s a good thing that I’m physically weak, or I may have had to actually act on my anger.

I have to credit Nancy for pulling this tiny nugget of genius out of her magical butt crack…

So let’s review…

Test audiences think that Bold It! is a sexual lubricant. They start putting it on their privates and are getting stuck to one another all across America. Awesome!

But they’re really getting stuck. Like really stuck. Like to each other. Like sexually. Remember: Power Putty provides extreme hold, and is quick to apply and quick to dry.

So we agree on this solution:

We would do a Public Service Announcement, warning people about the potential dangers associated with the growing epidemic of Glueballing.

But Garnier Fructis wasn’t satisfied.

While it did address the growing Glueballing epidemic, it didn’t quite capture what they wanted to say about Bold It!. So they made me re-shoot it with this added piece:

PERFECT! Well… almost.

Here’s the cherry on top that they made me add. You ready for it?? I don’t think you are, because there is no way to prep yourself for this bad boy.

Enjoy:

Honestly, I’m very concerned. If you do indeed suffer from Canine Bonding, please consult a licensed Veterinary Gynecologist.

And send me a photo of it:

mybestfriendtodd@gmail.com

Fire alarm in library. Smell smoke. Must go. Remember, “NOT GUILTY.”