The Harry Situation

Let’s move onto the next two accusations on the list.

4) I enlisted a PA to drop a 90lb stage light on Teri’s head.
5) To buy that PA’s silence, I cast her as Teri’s replacement.

What am I, some sort of mobster? I ordered a hit? I gave a job to a co-conspirator?

Yes, an inexperienced PA took over the starring role in a television sitcom. But Carrie Harrison looked the part. You want to know what part she doesn’t look? That of an attempted murderer.

They’re claiming this adorable twenty-year-old dropped the light on Teri Morgan.

And the evidence to back up that accusation is completely circumstantial: Carrie was right there when it happened.

Carrie was the one person behind the stage when the light fell. And usually that area is empty for sound reasons. Big deal.

Here’s their “evidence” that I bought Carrie’s silence:
I cast her right away as a lead in a big TV show despite the fact that she had never ever acted before. And she happens to refuse to say anything about the incident of which she was the primary witness. Oooh, ya got me.

Look. After Teri’s tragic accident we were all stunned. But the show must go on – especially when the show’s sponsor had already tied our episode airdates to giant media buys and product sales benchmarks. We couldn’t let something as small as a gruesome near-fatal accident slow us down. Let’s not forget – there’s a target demographic out there aching to increase its product awareness and brand loyalty! So we moved forward.

By the way, did you catch who was standing next to me when we announced that Carrie was taking over for Teri? That’s right, my soon-to-be-ex-wife Nancy!! And yet I don’t hear any talk of a Grand Jury indicting her. You know what, Grand Jury? You make me sick. You and Nancy deserve each other. Go ahead, indict her. Really. I dare you. You guys are made for each other.

Harry is a halfway decent actor, but his real selling point when we cast him was that he was willing to be naked. He was willing to be naked when it was a brilliant groundbreaking adult comedy, and he was willing to be naked when it turned into a vapid sitcom. Hell, he was willing to be naked in rehearsals and willing to be naked at table reads and willing to be naked during lunch.

When we cast him, he’d been promised nude scenes. And as the pressures on him started to build, that promise was the only thing holding him together. All the poor kid wanted was to be completely nude in front of Dawn, Nancy, me, the crew, and millions of viewers. That’s all.

When we were prepping to shoot it, we got this:

Chalk it up to an innocent misunderstanding. I was wrong to think they wanted to keep the nudity when they had initially said this:

No nudity was bad. However, at this point I was used to the sponsor dropping these little nukes.

But I didn’t know how Harry would take it:

Telling Harry was hard for me. Because I been down to wardrobe already, and had seen the alternative to nudity that GFSBIEG&PP was imposing.

It was easy for Nancy - she’d stomp on a baby’s heart if it’d keep the trains running on time. She’s good like that.

(I love you Nancy, my characterization of your cruelty should not be construed as a rebuttal to your claims in our divorce proceedings. But whatever.)