The Harry Situation

With this post, I hereby fulfill my obligation to create content for distribution as described in my contract.

I’ve also fulfilled my desire to speak truth to power, and to get revenge on all of you who have turned me from this:

Before The Harry Situation…

to this:

After The Harry Situation…

I’ve told you about how I was going to make art on television, and how Garnier Fructis stepped in to ’save us’ by making my show into a commercial for Bold It!.

I’ve shared the secrets my success at being in a dying marriage:

…And the affair that broke its back:

I told you about poor Harry Johnson, and how he expected to be naked with Dawn Spangler, but was instead naked with Officer Friendly.

I told you about the one of a kind Dawn Spangler and her need for attention.

I told you of Carrie Harrison, the simple local girl who went from PA to lead actress when a light fixture mysteriously fell on the actress I was having an affair with.

Now that some time has passed, I’m starting to gain some perspective on the whole thing. And a lot of you have emailed questions. I’m going to ignore them all. Except the most pressing question:

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Carrie can’t get cast in anything because she’s awaiting a Grand Jury investigation into her role in Teri’s attempted murder.

Dawn has been cast as the lead in another pilot called, “Barbra Q.” (I hear they’re having problems).

Floyd Bellman is alive and well, and living in Paris.

He has been working with the French Government on a very sexy calendar highlighting the problems of alcohol abuse.

Nancy is dating the props guy from the show. Way to rebound, gorgeous.

And Garnier Fructis Style Bold It! Endurance Gel and Power Putty are now flying off the shelves at your local whatever.

If anyone knows the whereabouts of Harry Johnson. Please let me know (mybestfriendTodd@gmail.com). Or don’t. I don’t really care anymore. It’s just that my readers deserve closure.

I confess that there are worse things than Dawn Spangler.

Our friends at Bold It! demanded that we turn in an episode that put Cindy in the A story, and pushed Claire to the B story; this would push Dawn Spangler to the background.

And the sponsor tried to hide this shift in a really crafty way:

IMAGE OF DOCUMENT: Email from sponsor to Dawn saying that Carrie Harrison’s character is now the focus of the show. Todd was CCd.

Don’t know how she caught on.

She was already torturing Harry Johnson. Poor guy.

But when Dawn learned of Carrie’s PSA for the episode “Glued To You”, it was over.

I totally called it. I said that she would come in with some insane reason to do a PSA of her own.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you an important public service announcement from Spawn Dangler:

Simply put… brilliant. And highly effective. Pretty much nobody spoke to her after this.

But it is true - she is a Hottie. And just because she flaunts it, and uses it to manipulate people to her own sick advantage, doesn’t make her any less hot.

And I suppose in a twisted way, it’s even hotter that she rubs it in everybody’s face. I’m sure that every crew member on that set wanted her to rub it in theirs.

Even the Best Boy, Leanne.

Hi Leanne.

I just explained that the sponsor wanted to turn The Harry Situation into a showcase for Carrie Harrison. They believed in Carrie. They didn’t believe so much in any of the other actors or writers or producers or props people, or wardrobe. Or caterers. Or the grip.

And they certainly didn’t believe in me.

But Carrie? True love.

I wrote a very articulate and mature scene between three lovers and the emotions that arise when one of them has feelings for one and not the other. It was dramatic and believable, and it was touching and funny.

So they re-wrote it. Here is the gem that was shot.

Touching.

This was the first of several scenes that would slowly push Dawn Spangler’s character out of the main story arc.

But having the focus shift to Carrie’s character was just one of a handful of changes that occurred once we all saw that Carrie was clearly our breakout star.

So what’s the problem? I certainly didn’t care. I was happy they liked Carrie. I liked Carrie, and I had long since stopped caring about the show and its stupid story arcs.

The problem, though, was that the Claire Bannister character was supposed to be Dawn’s big breakout role. After a dozen failed shows, she’d finally landed in the spotlight, right?

Nancy and I knew Carrie’s extra attention would eat Dawn alive.

And you may wonder aloud, “…hmmm. even though the focus was shifting to Carrie, why wouldn’t Dawn be happy to finally be in a show that is at least going to air? Why? Why?”

The answer is simple: Because Dawn Spangler is not one of the best people on the planet.

This is why I am devoting the rest of this week to her as I proudly announce the arrival of “Dawn Spangler Week”, in which we examine the boundless selfishness and evil of Dawn Spangler.

Hi Dawn!