The Harry Situation

With this post, I hereby fulfill my obligation to create content for distribution as described in my contract.

I’ve also fulfilled my desire to speak truth to power, and to get revenge on all of you who have turned me from this:

Before The Harry Situation…

to this:

After The Harry Situation…

I’ve told you about how I was going to make art on television, and how Garnier Fructis stepped in to ’save us’ by making my show into a commercial for Bold It!.

I’ve shared the secrets my success at being in a dying marriage:

…And the affair that broke its back:

I told you about poor Harry Johnson, and how he expected to be naked with Dawn Spangler, but was instead naked with Officer Friendly.

I told you about the one of a kind Dawn Spangler and her need for attention.

I told you of Carrie Harrison, the simple local girl who went from PA to lead actress when a light fixture mysteriously fell on the actress I was having an affair with.

Now that some time has passed, I’m starting to gain some perspective on the whole thing. And a lot of you have emailed questions. I’m going to ignore them all. Except the most pressing question:

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Carrie can’t get cast in anything because she’s awaiting a Grand Jury investigation into her role in Teri’s attempted murder.

Dawn has been cast as the lead in another pilot called, “Barbra Q.” (I hear they’re having problems).

Floyd Bellman is alive and well, and living in Paris.

He has been working with the French Government on a very sexy calendar highlighting the problems of alcohol abuse.

Nancy is dating the props guy from the show. Way to rebound, gorgeous.

And Garnier Fructis Style Bold It! Endurance Gel and Power Putty are now flying off the shelves at your local whatever.

If anyone knows the whereabouts of Harry Johnson. Please let me know (mybestfriendTodd@gmail.com). Or don’t. I don’t really care anymore. It’s just that my readers deserve closure.

I confess that there are worse things than Dawn Spangler.

Our friends at Bold It! demanded that we turn in an episode that put Cindy in the A story, and pushed Claire to the B story; this would push Dawn Spangler to the background.

And the sponsor tried to hide this shift in a really crafty way:

IMAGE OF DOCUMENT: Email from sponsor to Dawn saying that Carrie Harrison’s character is now the focus of the show. Todd was CCd.

Don’t know how she caught on.

She was already torturing Harry Johnson. Poor guy.

But when Dawn learned of Carrie’s PSA for the episode “Glued To You”, it was over.

I totally called it. I said that she would come in with some insane reason to do a PSA of her own.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you an important public service announcement from Spawn Dangler:

Simply put… brilliant. And highly effective. Pretty much nobody spoke to her after this.

But it is true - she is a Hottie. And just because she flaunts it, and uses it to manipulate people to her own sick advantage, doesn’t make her any less hot.

And I suppose in a twisted way, it’s even hotter that she rubs it in everybody’s face. I’m sure that every crew member on that set wanted her to rub it in theirs.

Even the Best Boy, Leanne.

Hi Leanne.

Wa-hoo!! It’s Dawn Spangler Week!

I’m sure you’re reading this, Dawn. I know you googled your name after every meal.

Please note that I am still your biggest defender. I never called you Spawn, as in Devil’s Spawn, and I never called you Spawn Dangler, as in Devil’s Spawn that dangles. And when people attacked you behind your back as insecure, agnorant (arrogant + ignorant), and cruel… my silent protest was powerful.

Why?

Because I felt sorry for you.

I felt sorry for you because you are a hottie.

And I think you never got a fair shake. I think that everyone hated you because you were hot. Especially Nancy. She is threatened by women who are less unattractive than her. Hi Nancy. Don’t you throw out my mail. That’s a felony.

Sure, the Wrath of Spawn was powerful:

But Carrie could handle herself:

Note that Carrie mentions that Dawn’s been on “so many cancelled shows”.

What were those failed sitcom pilots, you ask? You’ve never heard of them, and you never will:

1) Space for the Kids
2) At Ease, SGT. Garvey
3) Batting Cleanup
4) New Leash On Life
5) Deal Me In
6) The Mysterious Arthur Fineman’s Magic Pants
7) The Valedictorian of Seventh Grade
8 ) Art’s Gallery
9) I’ll Be The Judge Of That
10) Secretly Steven
11) Settle Down, Grandma
12) Kenny’s Attic

I can’t believe her terrible luck. It’s just the breaks, I guess. I’m sure she had absolutely nothing to do with those shows getting flushed.

Then again…