The Harry Situation

With this post, I hereby fulfill my obligation to create content for distribution as described in my contract.

I’ve also fulfilled my desire to speak truth to power, and to get revenge on all of you who have turned me from this:

Before The Harry Situation…

to this:

After The Harry Situation…

I’ve told you about how I was going to make art on television, and how Garnier Fructis stepped in to ’save us’ by making my show into a commercial for Bold It!.

I’ve shared the secrets my success at being in a dying marriage:

…And the affair that broke its back:

I told you about poor Harry Johnson, and how he expected to be naked with Dawn Spangler, but was instead naked with Officer Friendly.

I told you about the one of a kind Dawn Spangler and her need for attention.

I told you of Carrie Harrison, the simple local girl who went from PA to lead actress when a light fixture mysteriously fell on the actress I was having an affair with.

Now that some time has passed, I’m starting to gain some perspective on the whole thing. And a lot of you have emailed questions. I’m going to ignore them all. Except the most pressing question:

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Carrie can’t get cast in anything because she’s awaiting a Grand Jury investigation into her role in Teri’s attempted murder.

Dawn has been cast as the lead in another pilot called, “Barbra Q.” (I hear they’re having problems).

Floyd Bellman is alive and well, and living in Paris.

He has been working with the French Government on a very sexy calendar highlighting the problems of alcohol abuse.

Nancy is dating the props guy from the show. Way to rebound, gorgeous.

And Garnier Fructis Style Bold It! Endurance Gel and Power Putty are now flying off the shelves at your local whatever.

If anyone knows the whereabouts of Harry Johnson. Please let me know (mybestfriendTodd@gmail.com). Or don’t. I don’t really care anymore. It’s just that my readers deserve closure.

Hah. Got you again. You’re easy.

In my previous brilliant post, I told you about how I didn’t care about the actors’ personal BS. Mostly because I didn’t care about them as people, but also because I thought it had no bearing on the show.

Here’s how my apathy and willful ignorance came back to bite me on the tush:

Ultimately “The Harry Situation”, good or bad, rested upon one core idea: Harry’s apartment becomes a sex factory after he uses “Bold It!”. Like it or not, that was what the show was now about.

I was writing and re-writing episode four, trying to satisfy everyone and still come up with something I could live with.

Here’s what I had to juggle:

-Garnier Fructis needed Bold It! Power Putty mentioned again.
-The show needed to establish that Harry’s new hairdo is sexually irresistible in a very profound way.

Here’s the winner we shot (see you at the awards show - I’ll be the one parking your car):

All hell broke loose after we shot that scene.

Floyd was angry because he was playing a bunch of lame gay stereotypes. He wanted to play a highly nuanced, thinking, feeling, three-dimensional gay man – not some hackneyed cliché. He was unhappy. Or as they used to say in the 1940’s, “not so gay.”

Then, we got this from the focus group:

We learned:

1) The audience thought Ben and Harry were a couple.
2) They were confused as to why Harry kept talking about sex with his roommates when he was already in a serious committed gay relationship.

And of course…

3) They thought that Power Putty was a male performance enhancer that you’re supposed to put on your privadas.

The world is truly a beautiful place.

It was an incredible moment of serendipity: This scene played into Harry’s nagging fear that women would think he’s into dudes, and the sponsor’s nagging fear that consumers would think Power Putty was Sex Putty.

So once again, what better way to solve the problem than with a misguided and desperate Public Service Announcement “brought to you by Garnier Fructis Bold It!”.

Terrible. Terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible. The sponsor “asked” me to include information about their hair putty. Didn’t I do a great job? I’m pretty wonderful. And somehow this PSA solved everyone’s problems. I was grinding my teeth into tiny yellow nubs while I slept, but everyone else was eerily happy.

Almost… too happy.

(My awesome cliffhangers are getting better and better.)

Must go. I have a hot date with someone I met at a party.

Okay, okay. Fine. Harry and Floyd Bellman never slept together. I’m just trying to suck you in with a deceptive headline. And look at that - it worked.

Normally I wouldn’t publicly play with another person’s sexual reputation, but I’ve long since abandoned my value system… and my children.

Let me explain what was going on with Harry Johnson and Floyd Bellman, the man who plays Harry’s “wacky neighbor”, Ben Herb.

Floyd is one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet. He is a genuinely good person. He’s an accomplished actor of stage and screen.

Thank goodness he’s been playing “wacky neighbor” characters for the last twenty years.

He’s done a lot and deserves an award for special achievement as a “wacky neighbor”.

And let’s just say that it became awkward when Harry began to receive some special attention…

Harry tried to ignore it…

Harry did his best to rise above it all. Um… Harry’s best ain’t that good.

I didn’t pay attention to any of this because my life was in the toilet. Also, it had no bearing the actual show, which I was busy trying to pull it out of a nosedive.

The sponsor had already begun to chew, swallow, and digest my show, slowing pushing out a new show onto us. It was gradual at first, like a friendly turtle peeking its head out, but soon it was like a loose firehose spraying the walls.

I had no time for the conflicts between crazy self-involved actors. But I should have. Oh yes… I should have.

In the business, we call that a rockin’ cliffhanger