The Harry Situation

With this post, I hereby fulfill my obligation to create content for distribution as described in my contract.

I’ve also fulfilled my desire to speak truth to power, and to get revenge on all of you who have turned me from this:

Before The Harry Situation…

to this:

After The Harry Situation…

I’ve told you about how I was going to make art on television, and how Garnier Fructis stepped in to ’save us’ by making my show into a commercial for Bold It!.

I’ve shared the secrets my success at being in a dying marriage:

…And the affair that broke its back:

I told you about poor Harry Johnson, and how he expected to be naked with Dawn Spangler, but was instead naked with Officer Friendly.

I told you about the one of a kind Dawn Spangler and her need for attention.

I told you of Carrie Harrison, the simple local girl who went from PA to lead actress when a light fixture mysteriously fell on the actress I was having an affair with.

Now that some time has passed, I’m starting to gain some perspective on the whole thing. And a lot of you have emailed questions. I’m going to ignore them all. Except the most pressing question:

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Carrie can’t get cast in anything because she’s awaiting a Grand Jury investigation into her role in Teri’s attempted murder.

Dawn has been cast as the lead in another pilot called, “Barbra Q.” (I hear they’re having problems).

Floyd Bellman is alive and well, and living in Paris.

He has been working with the French Government on a very sexy calendar highlighting the problems of alcohol abuse.

Nancy is dating the props guy from the show. Way to rebound, gorgeous.

And Garnier Fructis Style Bold It! Endurance Gel and Power Putty are now flying off the shelves at your local whatever.

If anyone knows the whereabouts of Harry Johnson. Please let me know (mybestfriendTodd@gmail.com). Or don’t. I don’t really care anymore. It’s just that my readers deserve closure.

Wa-hoo!! It’s Dawn Spangler Week!

I’m sure you’re reading this, Dawn. I know you googled your name after every meal.

Please note that I am still your biggest defender. I never called you Spawn, as in Devil’s Spawn, and I never called you Spawn Dangler, as in Devil’s Spawn that dangles. And when people attacked you behind your back as insecure, agnorant (arrogant + ignorant), and cruel… my silent protest was powerful.

Why?

Because I felt sorry for you.

I felt sorry for you because you are a hottie.

And I think you never got a fair shake. I think that everyone hated you because you were hot. Especially Nancy. She is threatened by women who are less unattractive than her. Hi Nancy. Don’t you throw out my mail. That’s a felony.

Sure, the Wrath of Spawn was powerful:

But Carrie could handle herself:

Note that Carrie mentions that Dawn’s been on “so many cancelled shows”.

What were those failed sitcom pilots, you ask? You’ve never heard of them, and you never will:

1) Space for the Kids
2) At Ease, SGT. Garvey
3) Batting Cleanup
4) New Leash On Life
5) Deal Me In
6) The Mysterious Arthur Fineman’s Magic Pants
7) The Valedictorian of Seventh Grade
8 ) Art’s Gallery
9) I’ll Be The Judge Of That
10) Secretly Steven
11) Settle Down, Grandma
12) Kenny’s Attic

I can’t believe her terrible luck. It’s just the breaks, I guess. I’m sure she had absolutely nothing to do with those shows getting flushed.

Then again…

Carrie Harrison was a production assistant with no experience when we hired her to replace Teri Morgan as Cindy Christington.

It was the best decision Nancy and I made. Far better than our decision to marry.

We were on the chopping block, and the injury of our lead threatened to close down the show permanently.

Basically, the show would have died without Carrie. Look at this:

Focus groups loved her, so the sponsor had something to believe in.

So get this: Garnier Fructis had serious reservations about a script I wrote called “Glued To You” where Cindy and Harry start to have more than just a sexual relationship. They thought the language I used when talking about Bold It, would cause audiences to think the product was some sort of sexual glue, again.

So instead of shooting the episode and then testing it with a focus group, they shot a PSA apologizing for the yet-to-be-shot episode, and then put the PSA in front of the focus group.

Enjoy:

And it tested through the roof. Box office gold!!!

Test groups loved Carrie Harrison’s Public Service Announcement so much that Garnier Fructis approved the episode that they hated, only because they were sure that their audience would love the PSA that apologizes for said episode.

The sponsor started to fall in love with Carrie Harrison. They made a snap decision. They told me to refocus the whole show on Carrie Harrison, pushing her character into the foreground.