The Harry Situation

Harry is a halfway decent actor, but his real selling point when we cast him was that he was willing to be naked. He was willing to be naked when it was a brilliant groundbreaking adult comedy, and he was willing to be naked when it turned into a vapid sitcom. Hell, he was willing to be naked in rehearsals and willing to be naked at table reads and willing to be naked during lunch.

When we cast him, he’d been promised nude scenes. And as the pressures on him started to build, that promise was the only thing holding him together. All the poor kid wanted was to be completely nude in front of Dawn, Nancy, me, the crew, and millions of viewers. That’s all.

When we were prepping to shoot it, we got this:

Chalk it up to an innocent misunderstanding. I was wrong to think they wanted to keep the nudity when they had initially said this:

No nudity was bad. However, at this point I was used to the sponsor dropping these little nukes.

But I didn’t know how Harry would take it:

Telling Harry was hard for me. Because I been down to wardrobe already, and had seen the alternative to nudity that GFSBIEG&PP was imposing.

It was easy for Nancy - she’d stomp on a baby’s heart if it’d keep the trains running on time. She’s good like that.

(I love you Nancy, my characterization of your cruelty should not be construed as a rebuttal to your claims in our divorce proceedings. But whatever.)

Garnier Fructis makes hair products. They don’t make television shows.

So it made sense when they agreed not to interfere with my show.

Yet, I would get scripts returned to me that look like this:

So I would ignore them. This would annoy them.

Then they would suggest show ideas based on their product benefits.

So I reminded them that I don’t make hair products and they don’t make television.

They responded:

I responded:

I won. I strategically boxed them out of the creative process. I was a winner. It felt wonderful.

Yes, that’s right. Smooth sailing from now on.

CUT TO: Next day.

I showed up on set, and our sponsor, in a move to focus the audience’s attention on the casual but sexy hairstyle created by Bold It! Power Putty, had suggested Harry Johnson wear a stylish but subtle little tiny cutesy harness restraint machine.

At first I had my doubts. But now I’m a convert. I believe that in five years, all television shows will be shot via hair cam:

But of course whenever you ask your pal to strap something of this size onfor the first time, you can’t be surprised when:

I take full blame for this one. And credit.

The sponsor was very upset that Nancy and I didn’t call cut before he hit the stairs, and they insisted that he be rushed to the hospital. They were pretty clear from the start that they wouldn’t condone any serious spinal injuries.

But Harry insisted that he wasn’t hurt. And even though you could see his pieces of his spine through his windbreaker, he declared that he’d never felt better. I’m no pediatric obstetrician… but this don’t look normal:

Harry was a real trooper. He didn’t care about his body – he cared about the show. What’s a bruise or two if it helps win the game, right?

Harry Johnson: Actor, Athlete, Hero.

Plus, the big naked dream sequence was going to shoot in a couple of days and if Harry had to play with pain(killers) to be naked with Dawn, so be it.

More later. Must continue training for the upcoming marathon.

When Garnier discovered that test audiences are confused about their product (that they forced me to shoehorn into my show), they got worried.

But then they heard reports of young men and women actually experimenting with the hair glue in a sexual way, and sticking themselves together. It was a growing phenomenon now known as Glueballing. It was crazy - the show STILL hadn’t aired, but the product was flying off the shelves. There were glueballing parties at colleges. People were selling “Get Stuck with Garnier” T-shirts.

And what did our sponsor think of this growing epidemic?

They loved it. It was moving product.

They credited themselves with creating a pop-culture phenomenon. They wouldn’t shut up about the big awards and bigger promotions they were all going to earn. One of them even tried Glueballing and called us from the ambulance all giddy.

But then their lawyers heard about it. And the wind abruptly changed, and took on that foul odor that only lawyers seem to create. And even though we were getting unconfirmed reports that guys were also using this stuff the ‘right’ way, meaning on their hair, and were loving it (read: getting laid), the lawyers showed up like cops at an awesome party.

And the ‘Glueballing Crisis’ began to really bother our sponsor.

Honestly, it bothered me, too. I was upset that I had never been that adventurous in my twenties.

So they called us in for another visit with the Conferbot 2000. I imagined cracking open his little black helmet, and lopping off his tiny red brain-head, but I knew he would eventually defeat me again.

Of course evil comes as the voice of reason. In the video conference, they offered this well-thought-out solution:

SCRAP THE SHOW AND START FROM SCRATCH.

Since I trusted Mr. Weasel Network Idiot about as far as I could vomit, and was sure he was going to continue to cave to every suggestion that the sponsor made, I was quick to offer this very patient and restrained response. It’s a good thing that I’m physically weak, or I may have had to actually act on my anger.

I have to credit Nancy for pulling this tiny nugget of genius out of her magical butt crack…

So let’s review…

Test audiences think that Bold It! is a sexual lubricant. They start putting it on their privates and are getting stuck to one another all across America. Awesome!

But they’re really getting stuck. Like really stuck. Like to each other. Like sexually. Remember: Power Putty provides extreme hold, and is quick to apply and quick to dry.

So we agree on this solution:

We would do a Public Service Announcement, warning people about the potential dangers associated with the growing epidemic of Glueballing.

But Garnier Fructis wasn’t satisfied.

While it did address the growing Glueballing epidemic, it didn’t quite capture what they wanted to say about Bold It!. So they made me re-shoot it with this added piece:

PERFECT! Well… almost.

Here’s the cherry on top that they made me add. You ready for it?? I don’t think you are, because there is no way to prep yourself for this bad boy.

Enjoy:

Honestly, I’m very concerned. If you do indeed suffer from Canine Bonding, please consult a licensed Veterinary Gynecologist.

And send me a photo of it:

mybestfriendtodd@gmail.com

Fire alarm in library. Smell smoke. Must go. Remember, “NOT GUILTY.”