This Blog will soon be a hit musical! Bollywood, here I come!!

With its new international following, perhaps The Harry Situation has a good chance of being picked up for a back nine? If it went a full 22 episodes, then I would make enough money to satisfy all the exciting judgments againstme, and still have enough left over for a fantasy vacation in the tropics.

Oh, and one last thing…

I have a brilliant idea for a cutting edge graphically sexual documentary following the exploits of a failed television writer who is trying to pick up the pieces of his broken life and move on. It’ll need a huge budget because every episode ends with a decadent party complete with ice sculptures that pee vodka and naked dancing girls who parachute into an Olympic-sized Jacuzzi.

I would star.

And I’m looking for a sponsor. Since I’m a reasonable person, I’m not ruling out any reasonable offers.

Thank you. I believe this video may provide a hint as to where Harry Johnson is. If you have any further information, please let me know (MyBestFriendTodd@gmail.com).

Harry, that nudesuit is technically owned by the production. Please retrieve it from the police and send it to me so I can sell it.

I’ve also fulfilled my desire to speak truth to power, and to get revenge on all of you who have turned me from this:

Before The Harry Situation…

to this:

After The Harry Situation…

I’ve told you about how I was going to make art on television, and how Garnier Fructis stepped in to ’save us’ by making my show into a commercial for Bold It!.

I’ve shared the secrets my success at being in a dying marriage:

…And the affair that broke its back:

I told you about poor Harry Johnson, and how he expected to be naked with Dawn Spangler, but was instead naked with Officer Friendly.

I told you about the one of a kind Dawn Spangler and her need for attention.

I told you of Carrie Harrison, the simple local girl who went from PA to lead actress when a light fixture mysteriously fell on the actress I was having an affair with.

Now that some time has passed, I’m starting to gain some perspective on the whole thing. And a lot of you have emailed questions. I’m going to ignore them all. Except the most pressing question:

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Carrie can’t get cast in anything because she’s awaiting a Grand Jury investigation into her role in Teri’s attempted murder.

Dawn has been cast as the lead in another pilot called, “Barbra Q.” (I hear they’re having problems).

Floyd Bellman is alive and well, and living in Paris.

He has been working with the French Government on a very sexy calendar highlighting the problems of alcohol abuse.

Nancy is dating the props guy from the show. Way to rebound, gorgeous.

And Garnier Fructis Style Bold It! Endurance Gel and Power Putty are now flying off the shelves at your local whatever.

If anyone knows the whereabouts of Harry Johnson. Please let me know (mybestfriendTodd@gmail.com). Or don’t. I don’t really care anymore. It’s just that my readers deserve closure.

Our friends at Bold It! demanded that we turn in an episode that put Cindy in the A story, and pushed Claire to the B story; this would push Dawn Spangler to the background.

And the sponsor tried to hide this shift in a really crafty way:

IMAGE OF DOCUMENT: Email from sponsor to Dawn saying that Carrie Harrison’s character is now the focus of the show. Todd was CCd.

Don’t know how she caught on.

She was already torturing Harry Johnson. Poor guy.

But when Dawn learned of Carrie’s PSA for the episode “Glued To You”, it was over.

I totally called it. I said that she would come in with some insane reason to do a PSA of her own.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you an important public service announcement from Spawn Dangler:

Simply put… brilliant. And highly effective. Pretty much nobody spoke to her after this.

But it is true - she is a Hottie. And just because she flaunts it, and uses it to manipulate people to her own sick advantage, doesn’t make her any less hot.

And I suppose in a twisted way, it’s even hotter that she rubs it in everybody’s face. I’m sure that every crew member on that set wanted her to rub it in theirs.

Even the Best Boy, Leanne.

Hi Leanne.

I’m sure you’re reading this, Dawn. I know you googled your name after every meal.

Please note that I am still your biggest defender. I never called you Spawn, as in Devil’s Spawn, and I never called you Spawn Dangler, as in Devil’s Spawn that dangles. And when people attacked you behind your back as insecure, agnorant (arrogant + ignorant), and cruel… my silent protest was powerful.

Why?

Because I felt sorry for you.

I felt sorry for you because you are a hottie.

And I think you never got a fair shake. I think that everyone hated you because you were hot. Especially Nancy. She is threatened by women who are less unattractive than her. Hi Nancy. Don’t you throw out my mail. That’s a felony.

Sure, the Wrath of Spawn was powerful:

But Carrie could handle herself:

Note that Carrie mentions that Dawn’s been on “so many cancelled shows”.

What were those failed sitcom pilots, you ask? You’ve never heard of them, and you never will:

1) Space for the Kids
2) At Ease, SGT. Garvey
3) Batting Cleanup
4) New Leash On Life
5) Deal Me In
6) The Mysterious Arthur Fineman’s Magic Pants
7) The Valedictorian of Seventh Grade
8 ) Art’s Gallery
9) I’ll Be The Judge Of That
10) Secretly Steven
11) Settle Down, Grandma
12) Kenny’s Attic

I can’t believe her terrible luck. It’s just the breaks, I guess. I’m sure she had absolutely nothing to do with those shows getting flushed.

Then again…

And they certainly didn’t believe in me.

But Carrie? True love.

I wrote a very articulate and mature scene between three lovers and the emotions that arise when one of them has feelings for one and not the other. It was dramatic and believable, and it was touching and funny.

So they re-wrote it. Here is the gem that was shot.

Touching.

This was the first of several scenes that would slowly push Dawn Spangler’s character out of the main story arc.

But having the focus shift to Carrie’s character was just one of a handful of changes that occurred once we all saw that Carrie was clearly our breakout star.

So what’s the problem? I certainly didn’t care. I was happy they liked Carrie. I liked Carrie, and I had long since stopped caring about the show and its stupid story arcs.

The problem, though, was that the Claire Bannister character was supposed to be Dawn’s big breakout role. After a dozen failed shows, she’d finally landed in the spotlight, right?

Nancy and I knew Carrie’s extra attention would eat Dawn alive.

And you may wonder aloud, “…hmmm. even though the focus was shifting to Carrie, why wouldn’t Dawn be happy to finally be in a show that is at least going to air? Why? Why?”

The answer is simple: Because Dawn Spangler is not one of the best people on the planet.

This is why I am devoting the rest of this week to her as I proudly announce the arrival of “Dawn Spangler Week”, in which we examine the boundless selfishness and evil of Dawn Spangler.

Hi Dawn!

It was the best decision Nancy and I made. Far better than our decision to marry.

We were on the chopping block, and the injury of our lead threatened to close down the show permanently.

Basically, the show would have died without Carrie. Look at this:

Focus groups loved her, so the sponsor had something to believe in.

So get this: Garnier Fructis had serious reservations about a script I wrote called “Glued To You” where Cindy and Harry start to have more than just a sexual relationship. They thought the language I used when talking about Bold It, would cause audiences to think the product was some sort of sexual glue, again.

So instead of shooting the episode and then testing it with a focus group, they shot a PSA apologizing for the yet-to-be-shot episode, and then put the PSA in front of the focus group.

Enjoy:

And it tested through the roof. Box office gold!!!

Test groups loved Carrie Harrison’s Public Service Announcement so much that Garnier Fructis approved the episode that they hated, only because they were sure that their audience would love the PSA that apologizes for said episode.

The sponsor started to fall in love with Carrie Harrison. They made a snap decision. They told me to refocus the whole show on Carrie Harrison, pushing her character into the foreground.

There. I slept with Teri Morgan. I had a moment of weakness. For five and a half weeks. But I don’t regret it. I found a door that would open and a room I wanted to enter. And I entered it over and over. Sometimes more than once a day.

So thank you, Teri Morgan. Thank you for what you and your body did to my body. Even though you are currently destroying my life with your egregious lawsuits, and I may do time for a crime I didn’t commit, I thank you for the time we had, and I promise that if I am ever in the same position I was in, I hope you will be in the same position you were in.

Go ahead Nancy. Sick the dogs on me. My one regret was that I turned off the camera, because then at least I’d have an awesome sex tape.

The truth is finally out. That feels better. Aaaaahhhh.

Here me loud and proud, world: I’m a cheater.

I did indeed have an affair with Teri Morgan.

I did not, however, try to kill her.

You don’t have to believe me, but really, if anything my confession should be a credibility booster. I’ve put everything on the table.

And Carrie, I’m sorry you got tangled up in this.

I hope they drop the criminal probe and let you go. And I’m sorry that I missed a chance to testify at the Grand Jury on your behalf. I overslept.

I believe in you and your talent, and I think you should be a working actress, not squirreled away doing 25 years-to-life in a woman’s prison for attempted murder. You deserve more.

Here are the sides we were reading in the audition.

I dug them up from a box that I just found. It was labeled ‘Misc. Audition Pages’. And it was completely hidden under other boxes labeled other things so I didn’t even know it was there until last night when I uncovered the box. It’s true!