The Harry Situation

When Garnier discovered that test audiences are confused about their product (that they forced me to shoehorn into my show), they got worried.

But then they heard reports of young men and women actually experimenting with the hair glue in a sexual way, and sticking themselves together. It was a growing phenomenon now known as Glueballing. It was crazy - the show STILL hadn’t aired, but the product was flying off the shelves. There were glueballing parties at colleges. People were selling “Get Stuck with Garnier” T-shirts.

And what did our sponsor think of this growing epidemic?

They loved it. It was moving product.

They credited themselves with creating a pop-culture phenomenon. They wouldn’t shut up about the big awards and bigger promotions they were all going to earn. One of them even tried Glueballing and called us from the ambulance all giddy.

But then their lawyers heard about it. And the wind abruptly changed, and took on that foul odor that only lawyers seem to create. And even though we were getting unconfirmed reports that guys were also using this stuff the ‘right’ way, meaning on their hair, and were loving it (read: getting laid), the lawyers showed up like cops at an awesome party.

And the ‘Glueballing Crisis’ began to really bother our sponsor.

Honestly, it bothered me, too. I was upset that I had never been that adventurous in my twenties.

So they called us in for another visit with the Conferbot 2000. I imagined cracking open his little black helmet, and lopping off his tiny red brain-head, but I knew he would eventually defeat me again.

Of course evil comes as the voice of reason. In the video conference, they offered this well-thought-out solution:

SCRAP THE SHOW AND START FROM SCRATCH.

Since I trusted Mr. Weasel Network Idiot about as far as I could vomit, and was sure he was going to continue to cave to every suggestion that the sponsor made, I was quick to offer this very patient and restrained response. It’s a good thing that I’m physically weak, or I may have had to actually act on my anger.

I have to credit Nancy for pulling this tiny nugget of genius out of her magical butt crack…

So let’s review…

Test audiences think that Bold It! is a sexual lubricant. They start putting it on their privates and are getting stuck to one another all across America. Awesome!

But they’re really getting stuck. Like really stuck. Like to each other. Like sexually. Remember: Power Putty provides extreme hold, and is quick to apply and quick to dry.

So we agree on this solution:

We would do a Public Service Announcement, warning people about the potential dangers associated with the growing epidemic of Glueballing.

But Garnier Fructis wasn’t satisfied.

While it did address the growing Glueballing epidemic, it didn’t quite capture what they wanted to say about Bold It!. So they made me re-shoot it with this added piece:

PERFECT! Well… almost.

Here’s the cherry on top that they made me add. You ready for it?? I don’t think you are, because there is no way to prep yourself for this bad boy.

Enjoy:

Honestly, I’m very concerned. If you do indeed suffer from Canine Bonding, please consult a licensed Veterinary Gynecologist.

And send me a photo of it:

mybestfriendtodd@gmail.com

Fire alarm in library. Smell smoke. Must go. Remember, “NOT GUILTY.”

I tried. I really did. I wanted the show to be great even though it was being ripped to shreds.

I never ever gave up. Until I received this email from Garnier Fructis:

See, there are two products. One is a gel and the other is a putty. One is for endurance, the other is for power. Simple. Got it? Good. It’s important.

This led to a brutal fight. I thought that writing stories based on the product benefits of Bold It! Power Putty and Endurance gel was not the strongest way to go.

Apparently I am an idiot.

Because we shot this scene:

…And it was another home run.

Test audiences loved it. A scale of one to ten? A ten. Across the board they gave it tens. To them, this was comedy gold.

BUT GET THIS:

Yes, my show had just become a commercial for BOLD IT! loved by many. But, test audiences didn’t love it because they thought Bold It! was a hair gel. They loved it, laughed at it, and told their friends about it, because…

THEY THOUGHT BOLD IT WAS A SEXUAL PERFORMANCE ENHANCER.

Every single audience member loved the show, and every single one of them misinterpreted every reference to Bold It! Endurance Gel, assuming it was some sort of sex aid.

“Rub it on your head. It’ll keep you stiff all night.”

See, it’s a hair product, but when you say it that way, it sort of makes sense that a sex-starved population of men in their early 20s would think you’re talking about…well something else.

And the sponsor was terrified. It’s their worst nightmare. How can I explain this? What is a good analogy? Oh, I know: It’s like you’re trying to sell hair gel but everyone thinks it’s a sex lube.

See, test audiences mean everything.

Let’s say you have a television show, and you don’t have the balls to form your own opinion, or the intelligence or competence to adjudge the quality of a creative work.

So whatchya gonna do?

Well, why not do what GFSBIEG&PP did: they gave a bunch of strangers a plate of s’mores, a juice box, and $70 to watch the show and then spew their brilliance into a tape recorder. Then they blindly followed those opinions.

So the audience was telling them two things:
1 - They loved the show. I mean really loved it.
2 - They loved the “sex glue” too and wanted to know where to buy some. Now!

It was that bad. Or was it good? I mean the show wasn’t even out yet, and these young guys were all over the internet talking about the product. A day after that test group, there were 50,000 posts about this wild new sex product. This was great for them. Right? But the “test supervisors” (the women who give out the cookies and juice) didn’t see it that way. To them, this was a problem.

I admit that I really enjoyed reading the report. I’m fascinated when a group of people compete to out-dumb each other. I would love to do a show about a guy who runs focus groups. But I wonder how test audiences would respond?

I was expecting the worst. But it was worse than that. It shouldn’t have been my problem, but now it was.

They are actually doing it!

Garnier Fructis is running banner ads for the show!

Of course, they’ve just replaced their inane promo ads with some newer ones, and they don’t exactly say what I expected. These are actually better:

So welcome to you all who are joining me, after being advised not to join me. You clicked on a banner that told you not to come here.

If you came here to see promos for ‘The Harry Situation’, I ask you, “Why?” I think this blog will be much more entertaining. Even though this blog has no laugh track, I respect your intelligence enough to know when to laugh.

I don’t care about your Gag Order. I don’t care if I come off bitter - I am bitter. I’m really, really bitter.

I just want to remind you, Garnier Fructis, that I have nothing to lose.

And now you’re sending tens of thousands of people a day to this site so they can witness the story of how you destroyed my life.

So I thank you for that. You’re the best!

Now…on with the show, sponsored exclusively by Garnier Fructis Style Bold It! Endurance Gel and Power Putty (I didn’t make up those names, they did).

More on Wednesday!