The Harry Situation

Harry is a halfway decent actor, but his real selling point when we cast him was that he was willing to be naked. He was willing to be naked when it was a brilliant groundbreaking adult comedy, and he was willing to be naked when it turned into a vapid sitcom. Hell, he was willing to be naked in rehearsals and willing to be naked at table reads and willing to be naked during lunch.

When we cast him, he’d been promised nude scenes. And as the pressures on him started to build, that promise was the only thing holding him together. All the poor kid wanted was to be completely nude in front of Dawn, Nancy, me, the crew, and millions of viewers. That’s all.

When we were prepping to shoot it, we got this:

Chalk it up to an innocent misunderstanding. I was wrong to think they wanted to keep the nudity when they had initially said this:

No nudity was bad. However, at this point I was used to the sponsor dropping these little nukes.

But I didn’t know how Harry would take it:

Telling Harry was hard for me. Because I been down to wardrobe already, and had seen the alternative to nudity that GFSBIEG&PP was imposing.

It was easy for Nancy - she’d stomp on a baby’s heart if it’d keep the trains running on time. She’s good like that.

(I love you Nancy, my characterization of your cruelty should not be construed as a rebuttal to your claims in our divorce proceedings. But whatever.)

I just got another gag order, this one from my soon-to-be-ex-wife, Nancy. She has asked me not to cause further irreparable damage to her reputation, and warns me that what I say in this blog will be used in our divorce proceedings as a demonstration of my mental competence.

But guess what…

I’ve gotten over 1,433,900 unique visitors since I turned this URL into a euphoric revenge ride. So on balance, this is a pretty great day.

First, I’d like to share credit with Garnier Fructis for the huge spike in traffic.

Thank you, Garnier Fructis for promoting and advertising this site as per our binding contract.

And I’m sure some visitors are trying to get to the previous site.

But for you newcomers:

I’m Todd, and I’m using this space to get back at the people that destroyed the only thing I ever cared about.

Here’s a quick catch-up for all you newcomers:

My wife Nancy and I were co-producing a groundbreaking single-camera series about adult sexual relationships. It was going to be smart and funny and have real nudity. It was going to be on a prestigious cable network…

We were dropped by the network, but then picked up by a sponsor, Garnier Fructis Style Bold It! Power Putty and Endurance Gel.

They funded the production and agreed not to interfere.

But they did, quickly corrupting the original show and turning it into a one-note hack sitcom that was really just a one-note hack product advertisement for their hair putty.

But their plan backfired. Focus groups who saw the show thought the hair product was actually a sexual lubricant or sex enhancement cream.

I enjoyed this misunderstanding, but it caused massive distress for the sponsor.

Meanwhile, the lead actor, Harry Johnson, was distracted by his obsession with our lead wacktress, Dawn Spangler.

She was disgusted by him and publicly insulted him every chance she got.

In the meantime, the talented and lovely Floyd Bellman came out of the closet in a big way, which somehow lead to rumors that he and Harry were in a serious gay relationship.

Harry was worried that his fans would think he really was in a relationship with Floyd, which would ruin his chances of sleeping with Dawn or any other woman.

Making matters worse, focus groups (who continued to think the sponsor’s product was some sort of sex lube and not a new hair geland not a new hair gel) now also thought that Harry and Floyd’s characters were lovers in the show.

At this point it was clear the show would never air, and that my career was in terrible jeopardy. However, I still believed that my life might still be worth living.

So in response to the focus group thinking Harry’s character is supposed to be in a sexual relationship with Floyd, and that Power Putty is a sexual performance enhancer, the sponsor demanded to record a very special public service message.

At this point it was clear that life was no longer worth living. However, I was still under a contract, and getting paid.

The next week, the sponsor forced Harry to strap-on a camera to highlight his hairstyle during the show.

At this point I didn’t care about the contract or the money. I was just in it for the omelet station every Thursday. Hi Rosa!

Harry was at the end of his rope, and he had one thing that he was desperately looking forward to: the highly sexual nude scenes we were getting ready to shoot. That’s right. We were finally going to get to the nude stuff…

(Heading out now, I’m too excited about my future and must continue with my daily exercise regime.

Garnier Fructis makes hair products. They don’t make television shows.

So it made sense when they agreed not to interfere with my show.

Yet, I would get scripts returned to me that look like this:

So I would ignore them. This would annoy them.

Then they would suggest show ideas based on their product benefits.

So I reminded them that I don’t make hair products and they don’t make television.

They responded:

I responded:

I won. I strategically boxed them out of the creative process. I was a winner. It felt wonderful.

Yes, that’s right. Smooth sailing from now on.

CUT TO: Next day.

I showed up on set, and our sponsor, in a move to focus the audience’s attention on the casual but sexy hairstyle created by Bold It! Power Putty, had suggested Harry Johnson wear a stylish but subtle little tiny cutesy harness restraint machine.

At first I had my doubts. But now I’m a convert. I believe that in five years, all television shows will be shot via hair cam:

But of course whenever you ask your pal to strap something of this size onfor the first time, you can’t be surprised when:

I take full blame for this one. And credit.

The sponsor was very upset that Nancy and I didn’t call cut before he hit the stairs, and they insisted that he be rushed to the hospital. They were pretty clear from the start that they wouldn’t condone any serious spinal injuries.

But Harry insisted that he wasn’t hurt. And even though you could see his pieces of his spine through his windbreaker, he declared that he’d never felt better. I’m no pediatric obstetrician… but this don’t look normal:

Harry was a real trooper. He didn’t care about his body – he cared about the show. What’s a bruise or two if it helps win the game, right?

Harry Johnson: Actor, Athlete, Hero.

Plus, the big naked dream sequence was going to shoot in a couple of days and if Harry had to play with pain(killers) to be naked with Dawn, so be it.

More later. Must continue training for the upcoming marathon.