The Harry Situation

Who could have leaked this? My wife? Teri Morgan? Garnier Fructis?

You’re so clever.

But guess what - it don’t matter. Really. I’m smiling an eerily calm smile right now. Why? Because I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE.

I am now not only indigent and unable to afford an attorney to fight these accusations, but I just severely sprained my ankle and am in terrible physical pain. It’s swelling up real bad. Looks like a boa constrictor eating a baby rhino. It’s kinda awesome.

So I guess I’ve been forced to use this impartial forum to rebut some of the venomous lies being spread about me.

THE LIST OF VENEMOUS LIES
1) I cast Teri Morgan because she slept with me. Sexually.
2) Teri Morgan threatened to expose our illicit affair unless I left my wife for her.
3) I tried to kill Teri Morgan to keep her quiet.
4) I enlisted a lowly Production Assistant to drop a 90lb stage light on Teri’s head.
5) I then cast that PA in Teri’s role as a payoff.
6) Teri Morgan has sued me, sued the show, and sued the studio.
7) My wife has accused me of adultery, left me, and taken the kids.
8 ) I am now living in a transient motel populated by resentful sex workers, drooling junkies, and a Bosnian death metal band called ‘MethLab for Cutie’.

Allow me to tear these lies apart one by one.

1) I cast Teri Morgan because I was having an affair with her.

So this video was posted anonymously, eh? It had to be Nancy. I’m not angry. I’m impressed. Kudos to you for figuring out how to use ‘The YouTube’. I take it back; you are young.

But to everyone who thinks this video is evidence of adultery: you’re wrong.

This clip is obviously part of her audition. The role was of a devious seductress who stops at nothing in getting what she wants.

She demonstrated Its just the type of spirit and energy that this show needed to elevate our use of explicit sexual situations past the level of mere gimmickry.

Bless, you Teri Morgan. Despite the fact that you’re suing me and falsely claiming that I tried to kill you, you are a true professional.

I explicitly deny that I had sexual relations with that woman.

Remember, Harry was planning on being nude. He seemed very upset after we shot that day.

So the next day after we shot the nude suit dream sequence we had to suspend production and push the schedule because Harry was nowhere to be found.

I finally checked my voicemail and heard this:

I bailed him out.

Harry said he was busted for something about an expired license. I didn’t press further because it seemed like he’d been crying all night and I didn’t want to know.

A week goes by, everything is fine, and then GFSBIEG&PP sends me this:





I confronted Harry. We talked. It was a real heart-to-heart. Super personal stuff. Deep issues. Troubled guy.

I promised never, under any circumstances, to share what he told me. I promise a lot of things.

Enjoy:

I had to bail him out three more times:

So we were supposed to be the first adult comedy series to feature lots of graphic nudity. But at the last second, the sponsor got cold feet… and we got foam breasts.

Life gave us lemons. We made lemonade. The lemonade was terrible.

You’ll never see this on any television in this country*:

My dream, six years in the making, was now a dumbed-down dance of frolicking puppetubbles with fuzzy velcro breasticles.

*I was told this show may air overseas. I bet it’ll be huge in Japan. Check that off my list of life goals.