The Harry Situation

So I slept with her.

There. I slept with Teri Morgan. I had a moment of weakness. For five and a half weeks. But I don’t regret it. I found a door that would open and a room I wanted to enter. And I entered it over and over. Sometimes more than once a day.

So thank you, Teri Morgan. Thank you for what you and your body did to my body. Even though you are currently destroying my life with your egregious lawsuits, and I may do time for a crime I didn’t commit, I thank you for the time we had, and I promise that if I am ever in the same position I was in, I hope you will be in the same position you were in.

Go ahead Nancy. Sick the dogs on me. My one regret was that I turned off the camera, because then at least I’d have an awesome sex tape.

The truth is finally out. That feels better. Aaaaahhhh.

Here me loud and proud, world: I’m a cheater.

I did indeed have an affair with Teri Morgan.

I did not, however, try to kill her.

You don’t have to believe me, but really, if anything my confession should be a credibility booster. I’ve put everything on the table.

And Carrie, I’m sorry you got tangled up in this.

I hope they drop the criminal probe and let you go. And I’m sorry that I missed a chance to testify at the Grand Jury on your behalf. I overslept.

I believe in you and your talent, and I think you should be a working actress, not squirreled away doing 25 years-to-life in a woman’s prison for attempted murder. You deserve more.

By the way, for those of you attorneys who still think that Teri Morgan’s audition tape is evidence of adultery, I have a twist in the case for you to enjoy.

Here are the sides we were reading in the audition.

I dug them up from a box that I just found. It was labeled ‘Misc. Audition Pages’. And it was completely hidden under other boxes labeled other things so I didn’t even know it was there until last night when I uncovered the box. It’s true!

And finally, the final few misconceptions on the list:

6) Teri Morgan has sued me, sued the show, and sued the studio.
7) My wife has left me, taken the kids, and accused me of adultery.
8 ) I am now living in a transient motel populated by resentful sex workers, drooling junkies, and a Bosnian death metal band called ‘MethLab for Cutie’.

Actually, these are all true.

Welcome to “Teri Morgan’s Lawsuit Themepark”. Come early, there are sure to be long lines:

And Nancy is suing me for divorce, accusing me of adultery.

But look at this. I didn’t know you could divorce someone for this:

Nancy, I know you’re reading this, and I know you’re angry because you’re an angry person. But please, sweetheart, listen to reason. I did not cheat on you. I would never cheat on you. I know you have fidelity issues because of your last husband and those four guys you slept with in college. And I would especially never cheat on you with a younger, sexier actress because I know you are so sensitive about your looks and your age.